Friday, November 12, 2010

Ba-by Beluuuuga....

It's official.

I am uncomfortable and [slightly] irritated all the time now.

Last night, John was looking at snowmobiles on his phone (his way of relaxing before sleep), and I kept tossing and turning, trying to find a sleeping position that would suffice.  I obviously got his attention, because he turned and asked, "Are you trying to seduce me?"  My response:  "Really?  I look and feel like a beluga whale.  So no.  I'm not.  Goodnight." 

Who the hell feels sexy and seductive when they're 35 weeks pregnant!?

I don't want to complain because it does nothing to help the situation...but right now that's all I can do.  I feel huge and ridiculously unattractive, can't breathe the majority of the time, can't eat half of the foods I want to, (including chocolate...yay heartburn), I wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep, and my unborn child won't stop kicking.  >:(  I have a brand new pair of running shoes that I want to just throw on and go for a few mile run...but I can barely walk a couple blocks without feeling like I just ran a marathon.  Picking Harvey up is a chore now, not to mention feeding and cleaning up after him. 

Is it too much to just want to hold my new little baby in my arms?  And now!?

All I can pray for is an early delivery again.  

Five weeks and counting, or preferably less....

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Like Father, Like Son

I was recently observing how my dad interacted with his grandson, Harvey. 

It was a bittersweet feeling, gripping my heart and making me all but lose my breath, yet it made me so happy.  Maybe it's just the pregnancy hormones, or the fact that I miss my deceased grandfather more than usual lately, but I couldn't help but cry at the similarities that my dad and his dad shared.

You see, my dad isn't a very "emotionally outspoken" fact, I would go to the lengths of saying he is "emotionally constipated."  My grandfather, his father, was the same way.  (I remember my grandma shaking her head and saying he has "no concept of romance at all!"  My mom says the same thing to this day about my dad.) 

It was hard for me to ever have a real connection with my dad growing up, and sometimes it's still hard, but I know I have a better relationship with him today than I did ten years ago.  However, there must be an automatic something that sparks an emotional trigger when you have grandchildren...

Because I can remember the look in my grandpa's eyes, the smile on his face, and the comfort in his voice when he spoke to me.  Or how I could just hop up in his lap as a child and we would watch NASCAR together.  I have a picture in my wallet of my grandpa reading me a book, and I often times catch myself staring at it, remembering a million things about him at once.

My dad, I noticed while he waved goodbye to Harvey, had the exact same look in his eyes, that exact same smile on his face, and that exact same tone.  I can hardly wait for the days when Harvey jumps up on his Grandpa Craig's lap and asks him to read a book, or they watch the game together. 

At my grandfather's funeral, I read a passage from the Book of Sirach, in which one particular verse seemed to come to life at the above recent observation: 
                  "At the father's death, he will seem not dead, since he leaves after him one like himself."
                                                                                                                                                   Sirach 30:4


Monday, November 8, 2010

Epidural: To Do, or Not To Do

This is something that has been bugging me a lot lately...whether or not to have an epidural once I go into labor.

I can make some valid arguments for both yes and no...but right now I'm just not sure what to do.  I suppose I could just go into it and if the pain is just too much and I'm not progressing, get the epidural.

But then there is a part of me that is freaked out of the actual pain of a natural childbirth.  I know that as a woman, I'm made for natural childbirth.  Women have been giving birth without pain medication for a bazillion years.  A part of me wants to be a "strong" woman and just deal with the pain, or rather, push through it.  My mother gave birth naturally six times...and I fully intended to have Harvey naturally, but the back labor was unbelievable.  I thought my back was about to snap right in half, and I was only dilated to five after fifteen or so hours of labor so I gave in, got the epidural, which then helped me get a solid two hours of sleep before being woken up to push. 

Then I've heard of [older] women who say if they had the epidural available back when they were giving birth to their now 20-something-year-old kids, they would have jumped at the opportunity.  But isn't it a right of passage, in some way, to give birth naturally? 

I have a book that seems to really have a negative outlook on epidurals, saying that the drug lowers my blood pressure, therefore lowering the baby's blood pressure and oxygen level, and so it is quite dangerous to have one; it also says that the baby will come out lethargic and it will take over 48 hours for the drugs to leave the baby's system.  I really didn't notice any of that with Harvey...the book also says that with a natural childbirth, the mother is "fogged" to some extent and can only remember the parts of childbirth that comfort her, whereas if she has an epidural, all she will remember are bright lights, sterile bowls and implements, and "everything will be stark, cold, and very vividly painful in her memory."

Personally, I remember the morning sunshine streaming in my room, and the adrenaline rush I got right before I started pushing, and how hot it was in there...along with my husband counting, the nurses cheering me on, my mother crying...and no pain.  Just the pressure of pushing my 8 pound baby out...

I'm just confused as to what I should be doing.

I do know that I am not breastfeeding...that was my big ordeal last time.  I had a lot of pressure/guilt from my mother-in-law and other family members, as well as nurses who instead of asking me what I plan on doing for food, the question was posed as, "You'll be breastfeeding, right?"  Ummmm, no???  I know along with a million other benefits, it supposedly helps you lose baby weight faster, but I have never wanted to breastfeed.  It's something that makes me uncomfortable and I honestly think I bonded quite well with my formula-fed son, and he's pretty darn healthy, as well.  So while I tried it for a week and failed miserably and just didn't get it, this time around, I'm not giving in to pressure or going to be guilt tripped into breastfeeding. 

I just need to make up my mind about the epidural...