"You're never ready to have kids."

Those enlightening words came from an older gentleman as I was cutting his hair at work. 

What preceded this comment was when he asked if I had kids, and I told him a nine-month-old and one due in December.  His face lit up and after congratulating me, he said, "Good for you!  Having kids while you're young!  So many people put it off these days to chase their career."  I agreed, then said it wasn't exactly how we planned it, but what can we do?

"You're never ready to have kids," he responded.  "No one will ever be ready to take on a crying infant in the middle of the night, and no one will ever be ready and willing to get up every couple hours to feed the baby."

Wow.  I never thought of it that way.  But it made perfect sense. 

Who in their right mind sits there and says, "Ok: I'm ready to have a child.  I'm ready for crying, nighttime feedings, spitting up, poopy diapers, constant messes, food strewn about the dining room, baby-proofing everything, almost no social life, and whatever else may come?"

I, for one, was not, and will never be.  It's exhausting to have a child.  And I'm only 25. 

As much as I may have planned out my future, having kids at such-and-such an age after I paid off all my college loans (ha...is it possible to have kids at such an old age?  Certainly not the energy...), this guy made me open my eyes to the reality of where I was at, yet made me feel like I was right where I was supposed to be. 

Do all pregnant women have such crazy dreams!?

I'm not sure when this happened, but Harvey has decided he just wants to snuggle with me all the time, particularly when he's tired. (Be that at 1:30am, or 5am, or nap time and bed time...)  This wouldn't be a problem if I weren't so set on him being independent when his sibling comes along in December.  I guess I just need to make the most of this though, because we all know it will end too soon.

Changing the subject, I can't remember having such crazy dreams before!!!  I've heard that when a woman is pregnant, she has very strange dreams.  But last night iced the cake: we were at my father-in-law's for Thanksgiving dinner and some strangers came to pick up my husband's sister, but John (my husband) being the protective big brother he is, called to my recently deceased dog and his dog and told them to "sick 'em!"  Well, we went on having dinner and then I looked out the door to see the dogs, their fur soaked in blood, with knife slices down their stomach's.  They weren't dead yet but they were pleading with their eyes toward me, and I started yelling that "they have knives!"  John woke me up as I was yelling in my sleep, and once I finally was awake, I started bawling.  Now I just shake my head and wonder what the heck was going through my mind....

Reality

I had a slight panic attack today.

 

It happened after I was trying to do dishes, and my nine-month-old, Harvey, crawled over to me and started climbing up my leg, "Mmmmmmmmm"ing the whole time.  Exasperated, as I wanted the kitchen cleaned up before my husband for home from work, I sighed, grumbled under my breath, bent down, and picked him up.

All Harvey wanted was to lay his head on my shoulder.

Well.  I felt like deserved the Worst Mom In The World Award.

Harvey's younger sibling, in utero, kicked at its big brother.

That's when the panic attack came.

At that moment, my heart was surging with love for Harvey.  How on earth will I ever love both my children the same!?!?!?!?

My mother had told me you don't love them the same, just like you don't love your husband and child the same.  There is just an infinite amount of love, but different...it still scares me.  

Harvey has been the perfect baby from the start.  He always smiles, started sleeping through the night at a month old, teethed without our knowing, (I just one day decided to check if he had any teeth coming in and there they were!) and until recently he never whined...and even then it's only when he wants to be picked up or fed.  He's always so happy and is such a joy that I can't imagine loving another child like I love him.  I want to be able to give both Harvey and Baby equal attention, but the reality of the situation tells me that there is no way that will happen.  Just equal amounts of different love.  

Oh well.  I have plenty of time to wait and see how that situation will pan out.  Four months will creep by, right?

Everything has a beginning....

I've started this blog for multiple reasons.

First, to write again, as I haven't honestly written since college.  We're going on almost three years.  As a Public Relations and International Journalism major, I [obviously] enjoy writing and wanted to do it as a career, but in this fantastic economy, that hasn't worked out.

Second, to get things out.  I've always been better at figuring life out when I write it down.  Problems don't seem so huge when they're written down.  They seem conquerable when I can see the issue from beginning to end.  Feelings seem to make more sense when they're out, too.  It's just a great way to express oneself.

Third, to connect with others; bounce ideas off others; learn from others.  The internet is a massive, interesting tool and I want to use it for more than just Google.  :0)